WHAT ABOUT ME?
Georgie Bateman continues her look at sleep deprivation on the arrival of a new baby and how it affects dads too
In the last issue we looked at sleep deprivation
suffered by mothers after the birth of their baby.
A subject not so frequently addressed is how fathers
struggle in the same way but research conducted by
Night Nannies has uncovered some interesting facts.
Fathers felt that they suffered from sleep deprivation
just as much as mothers but one response elicited
the rueful comment: “although she doesn’t think so.”
They found having a baby in the room with them was
very disturbing, but when the baby was finally moved
to its own room, the disruption caused by the mother
getting up to do night feeds or settle the baby was
actually worse.
Most fathers said they didn’t discuss the issue
with anyone – they felt that friends wouldn’t want
to hear about it; wives or partners tended to be
doing the lion’s share of night care anyway so would
not be terribly sympathetic; and work colleagues
would be indifferent or see it as an excuse for poor
performance. In addition, it was unanimously felt that
if sleep deprivation impacted on the success of the
team, their jobs would be in jeopardy. However, one
comment which resonated among the respondants
was: “It’s a shame, because having children actually
makes you want to strive harder to provide for them.”
Most fathers said they didn’t discuss
the issue with anyone
Like mothers, fathers in the survey said they would
only discuss the problem with a professional if they
felt there was a chance of resolving it; most felt that
the professionals they spoke to weren’t very helpful
in this regard. Many fathers admitted that they
became short-tempered and, although a small part
of their brain recognised that they were behaving like
a brat throwing a temper tantrum, nevertheless they
did not make the effort to control their tempers that
they normally would.
“I took on extra chores, like buying and
cooking dinner for us both, hanging out
washing etc, so she didn’t feel she was
doing everything”
A quote which seems to sum up the essential
difference between a mother’s attitude to sleep
deprivation compared to that of her other half
came from a father who said: “The difference
between my wife and I is that I would happily do
away with sleep (if my body could cope) in order to
do other rewarding escapist non-energetic activities
(movies, TV, videogames, reading). For my wife, the
sleep itself is the reward which made it harder when
she didn’t get much.”
An Army father made the comment that: “I thought
I was used to lack of sleep when out on exercise, but
in the Army you have an end point so you know it
won’t last forever. With a newborn, this isn’t the case
and makes it harder to cope. Also, you know that the
Army won’t make you do anything dangerous when
you are sleep-deprived, such as operating machinery.
However, I know lots of exhausted fathers who have
to get up and drive to work in the morning.” Other
fathers agreed, making the point that a baby’s sleep
patterns can be totally unpredictable and require
endless patience. Trying to console a sobbing baby
in the middle of the night so that your wife can get
some sleep is a daunting task.
Trying to console a sobbing baby in the
middle of the night so that your wife
can get some sleep is a daunting task
Some fathers explain how their wives took the
brunt of it: “There seemed little point in having two
exhausted adults in the household, bickering at each
other. I took on extra chores, like buying and cooking
dinner for us both, hanging out washing etc, so she
didn’t feel she was doing everything, but it was a
mutual decision and I was lucky that she felt the
sleepless nights were her responsibility. It was partly
to do with her desire to breastfeed, which I couldn’t
help with, but I do take my hat off to her – I couldn’t
have done it.”
Another father explained how he agonised over the
changes his newborn had brought. “Whilst the mother
is fully occupied caring for the new baby, the father
feels rather spare but doesn’t have time to fret during
the day. This happens when you put your head on
the pillow – these guilt trips and mixed emotions play
on your anxieties and hinder you from sleep. Quite
often, I have remained awake to try to understand
if I could help more. You also feel the mother and
newborn have a stronger bond, so you do whatever
it takes (even at the expense of sleep) to grow the
bond between yourself and the new addition.”
Given that the fathers in the survey were clients of
Night Nannies, it is unsurprising that the question,
“How did you deal with your sleep deprivation?”
brought the unanimous answer, “Get a Night Nanny”!
However, fathers drew on experience of previous
babies to say that eventually the sleep deprivation
does get better and you find that you are a stronger
couple as a result of your shared suffering. One
father summed it up for everyone by saying: “I just
look at our lovely daughter each morning and all my
resentment and tiredness melt away.”
NCT – FOR DADS TOO . . .
The National Childbirth Trust (NCT)
www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/home
The NCT is the UK’s leading charity for parents.
They support people through pregnancy, birth and
early parenthood. Many NCT groups have dads
groups and activities.
The NCT has also launched
two new sets of resources for dads and dads-to-be
– written by dads:
Dad’s View – Becoming a Parent
Dad’s View – Early days with your Baby
They can be downloaded free:
www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/info-centre/
getting-help/dads
They also point dads towards these extremely useful
groups and websites for support and advice:
Books
What to Expect in the First Year
by Eisenberg Murkoff & Hathaway
The Bloke’s Guide to Babies by Jon Smith
Web Links
www.cry-sis.org.uk
Advice on coping with a crying or sleepless baby.
The Cry-sis helpline – 08451 228 669
(08451 ACT NOW) – is open seven days a
week from 9am to 10pm
www.dad.info
Source of dad specific information and the
provider of the Dad Card, which is distributed
in maternity units
www.nhs.uk/Planners/pregnancycareplanner
Provides a range of information from conception
through to early days. Includes a pregnancy
planning toolkit and specific dad pages
www.direct.gov.uk
Up-to-date information on benefits, entitlements
and rights for parents
www.newdadssurvivalguide.com
Irreverent guide for dads produced by Bounty
www.homebirth.org.uk Reference
Site on all aspects of having a baby at home
childcarefinder.direct.gov.uk/childcarefinder
Links to childminders and Children’s Centres
in your area
www.dadathome.co.uk
A website for stay-at-home dads
Organisations
Working Families
www.workingfamilies.org.uk
The UK’s work-life balance organisation.
It helps children, working parents and carers and
their employers find a better balance between
responsibilities at home and work. Its free legal
helpline gives parents and carers legal and
in-work benefits advice, as well as helping them
to negotiate the flexible hours they want
The Fatherhood Institute
www.fatherhoodinstitute
Provides practical support and guidance for dads
and dads to be. It publishes research on fatherhood
as well as lobbying for a more father inclusive
approach to policy, law and employment
Sure Start
www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/
surestart/whatsurestartdoes
The government run network of 3,500 Children’s
Centres provides a range of services to parents
The Daycare Trust
www.daycaretrust.org.uk
For advice and help finding childcare
Home Start
www.home-start.org.uk
Practical and emotional support for families
provided at home by volunteers who have parenting
experience themselves